They say variety is the spice of life. Well if they're talking about emotions, then I'm in business.
I wake up in the morning typically feeling great, however, at any moment that can change.
Usually, I don't even need to open my eyes to know there's a cat nearby. There's nothing like the love of a fur baby to start your day off. A heaping serving of love in the morning is definitely, the purrfect way to start my day.
As I make my way downstairs, my mind moves ahead of me and starts to organize my thoughts.
A glass of water, probiotic, coffee, notebook (in case I have a brilliant thought), phone close by in case I feel the urge to listen to an audiobook and of course, a physical book if that's what I want.
It's not that I have the so-called luxury of making my morning's my own, it's that I chose years ago to start getting up super early in the morning so that I would have the time to do whatever calls to me. I love my quiet time.
It's still dark out. There's little to no traffic passing by the house. Stillness fills me up. It's my personal serving of self-love. This is the most important, part of my day.
While it's still dark and quiet, there is peace. The moment that it gets bright outside and the world around me wakes up I'm at risk.
I'm at risk of losing myself.
Whether it's to the many distractions around me; laundry, dishes, cats, social media or my mind wandering to the past, at any moment, my beautiful day can get flushed. A variety of stories and emotions take hold of me. In some ways, I feel like a whirling dervish.
The peace that filled me in the early morning is gone. I now am in my head thinking way too much about things that aren't useful. I can drown in the stories that fill my head.
"What will people think of me? I feel like a failure.
I'm worried that I'm not doing this right.
I'm pathetic. I need to do more. I'm not enough.
What the fuck am I doing?"
The reality is, no one cares what I'm doing because they have their own stories running rampant around their heads, too. Being in a story is so destructive. You see, your conscious mind has no memory, and it can only hold one thought at a time. So, while you're focused on, "What will people think of me," you're not being productive or being the best, you can be. Then, if your mind wanders to, "I feel like a failure," once again, you're limiting your potential.
When you get trapped in a repetitive loop of stories from the past, most of which aren't yours, your brilliance comes to a grinding halt. You're disconnected from who you are. You've become trapped in the stories of the past, in a world that no longer exists.
When I realize that I'm not being myself, mainly because I can feel agitation rising up in me and that's not who I am, I make my way to the side entrance of the house, put on my shoes and make my way outside. I know that once in nature, I'll be able to reconnect to myself. Why? Because nature doesn't live in the past. That means if my mind wanders to the past, I'll still be present to what's moving in and through me.
The sound of a bird or seeing one fly by me brings me to the breath and the moment that I'm in. The freshness of the air, a gentle breeze washing over my face, reminds me of the beauty of staying present to myself.
A few minutes spent in nature returns me to who I am. To who I'm meant to be. Nature allows me to remember who I am. I'm a living, breathing expression of something so much bigger than I've ever imagined. Nature reminds me of what's possible. That anything is possible.
I return to the house and make my way inside. The stories are gone. The variety of emotions that were playing havoc and creating chaos in my body have disappeared. I feel calm and peaceful. I return to my work feeling excited and inspired. I remember who I am. I remember why I'm here, and I know that I was born on purpose and with purpose and now...it's time to keep moving forward.